Young Miruko San's Personal (18+)

I'm longing to fucking leave this fucking world fucking fast. I don't want to share the same place with all those monsters living beside me. Before going I want to make them suffer. I want to kill, I want to torture, I want to mutilate, I want to rape. I want to see them bleed and suffer. I want to hear them beg me for mercy. And beg me, and beg me, while I'm showing NONE -- EXACTLY LIKE THEY FUCKING DIDN'T.

I imagine meeting a young couple walking in the late hours through a dark alley, where I can let my hate lose. I want to take the girl and beat her. Brutally. I want to make her feel the pain her kind caused me. I want to kick her fucking face until her filled with stupidity look, turns into unimaginable agony. I want to feel her suffering. I want to hear her crying, screaming and begging, while her life escape her slowly and painfully. I want to cover the street with her blood. And then, when she's dead and gone, I want to rape her miserable corpse again and again.

I want to do this, while her boyfriend is tied to the street lamp and can have fun watching the show. Then I want to cause him pain, I want to sodomize him with a rust-eaten coarse rasper, and then cause his dead in ultraviolence. Then I want to cook them both and serve them to their parents as a dinner, leaving them slowly realising who they are actually eating. There is no greater pleasure than watching people suffer and die slowly and miserably. I want to create devices, which make Poe's "The Pit and The Pendulum" look like a jolly experience, to kill all the scum living aroung me.

I want to leave such a devastation that will make God suffer. Because it was his choice to leave me in this fucking world with all this fucking pain and forget me agonising. I want to make sure his children suffer more than anyone else. I want to turn his world into a havoc.

I fucking hate you all. Hahahaha.

He worries no more than he
Necessarily needs to fill his void
As big as space never ending thrill
He meets his will by choosing hate

Why choosing?
Need us to smile too?
Alright

Struggling to prevail

Foretaste
The aftermath
Which will be black
As black as waste

We'll throw in an extra dance
For just a little over 5 pence
Need us to smile too?
You'll turn our limo into a hearse
Weighing just enough to run it over your curse
Need us to smile too?

You lie, you lie, you lie

lying on my back on a railway
looking at the sky and its full moon
in the back of my head I feel the rumbling wheels
shaking my memories
it's getting darker and darker and darker
my hands are frozen and steam comes out of my mouth
as I whisper
my last words
seem to fade away

the train is moving forward
and closer
can't stand up and walk away
once I made my mind up so long ago
now I can't change
it is just too bad

I feel so left alone, so forgotten
nobody knows where I am, no one misses me
cold water runs from my eyes
and the cold is freezing my last tears
like I 'm only half in my body, I can't feel
I think I'm already half gone, I can't think
It's getting colder and colder and colder
I can't breath

cold metal, burning in my back
cold cold metal, freezing
cold metal, my head will burst open
cold cold metal, it's been too much

Please, help me…

Today I was listening to “The Sound of Perseverance”.

Going through it again and again, many thoughts passed through my mind. The lyrics are so deep and heavy, that the lyrical themes almost took over me. While everything is built around a core of pain, sadness and vicousness, you can feel the strong presence of love and beauty, of hope and faith, of desire and strength, of the goodness that is trying to break free, despite being stifled and despite the lack of the adequate response.

Passing close to the things that were troubling my mind, it lead me to think about a lot of things. The lyrics to “Bite the Pain” made me think about the path I'm going and the decisions that I'm taking, and what should one do, when the response to his good turn is sharp and painful.

There is a lot in this album that is waiting for you. It wants you to listen to it, to read the lyrics closely and not let them pass by, but think about what they are trying to tell you.

Today I got A in Probability and Statistics and finally got some sleep. :)

Today was such a nice day. I can no go back to coding. (Hm, I'm feeling thirsty now.)

Out in the rain - I stumble in the muddy darkness
Lonely shadow chasing me
Going insane - Looking for a deeper meaning
Will my heart know what is real

I can steal and I can lie
I can play the game
To be the clown that makes you cry
And lead you to the flame


It's a treasure world
It's a pleasure world
But I am living a lie - Living a lie
And the world is all I need
I see stormy clouds
Changing weather sweeping the sky
Painting the night - Cold winds will blow

Haunted by the things I needed
Cast away from my own soul
Who will take the blame
And will I ever know the reason
Questions piercing my broken mind

Free me from the spell I'm under
I can't ease the pain ... no ...


It's a treasure world - It's a pleasure world
And we're living a lie - Living a lie
Still the world is what we need
See the stormy clouds
Silver feathers touching the sky
Painting the night - North winds will blow

Yes, Remedy Lane is the best album of all time.

What happens when you couple nerve tissue and a chip? Ghost in the Shell becoming a reality?

Today it was my final test in Probability and statistics, and I think won't have to go to a written examintation. I'm also exempt from a written examintation in Numerical analysis. I have only Complex analysis left. I didn't go to the Macroeconomics test, because I was feeling miserably.

I didn't study for today and I think I did very well at solving the given problems — I did the best one can do. I feel the same about almost everything I did over the last few months, and it brings me some kind of satisfaction, but it doesn't make me feel much better. I wish I could enjoy the wonderful things that happen around. Not just watch and wish I took part in the fun.

I'm listening to Dream Theater all day and I'm trying to learn to sing the songs. I'm not going to make it, but Awake and Images and Words are great.

I've been searching for so long
For someone to lead the way
And I've been searching for someone
Someone to ease the pain
And I've been searching for someone
Anyone to help me cure my shame
Madness caught another victim
And the victim's name is blame

What are my options?
When the road I'm walking ends
What are my options?
When all my ambitions fails

The words you now are reading
Are meant for your eyes only
I hoped for strength but now I'm leaving
Cause I fear my feelings
And to not do you justice
Is too much for me to bare
And as courage is my weakness
I choose the cowards path

What are my options?
When the road that I'm walking ends?
And what are my options?
When the last ship of hope have sailed
What are my options?
When the road that I'm walking ends
So what are my options?
When my words are all that remains

I was out to buy tickets for a concert of Mystica and Velvet Project — progressive metal bands from Bulgaria.

When I came back home, my DVD with Elephants Dream had just arrived. Maybe you hadn't heard of it, but this is the first free and open movie, that was created almost entirely using free software. It is a short animated movie with strange and crazy storyline. It tells you the story of Emo and Proog, which takes place in the machine. Or does it?

The only thing I can say is that when I watched it, it really impressed me. You should check it out. It's definitely worth watching.

It is so cool, you won't be able to find another DVD with a movie, that includes all the production files, and the software used to create it, and it's all free for everyone to use as they wish (as long as they respect the license). This movie is a great thing for free culture and free software. We should be rejoicing, when such things actually happen.

In the “Making of…” video, Ton Roosendaal mentions his wishes to create something bigger in the near future. I hope will be seeing more and more free culture, and it will soon become as big as free software and people will begin noticing it even more. After getting sick of all those going after people for “copyright infringement”, threatening children with jail, denying blind people from access to literature, I hope the free art, music and literature, free of all those greedy scums from the recording, movie and printing industry. Let their voracity help them become obsolete.

I feel sleepy, I've still got lot a work to do, I feel tired a bit.

At the moment I'm listening to Metallica and I'm thinking what a cool band they used to be... I want my “…And Justice for All” back. At least I can listen to it again.

Having said this...

You know that the song “One” is inspired by the book “Johnny Got His Gun”. I watched the movie by the same name, excerpts from which you can see in the famous video clip of the song.

Once upon a time, in the United States, the young boys were encouraged to go the army with the phrase “Johnny Get Your Gun”. The movie tells you a story of a boy, who listened to that call and… Really got his gun.

The story is really deeply moving and strikingly embarrasing and depressive. It is created to illustrate what the war can lead to.

Whether you are familiar with “One” or not, I believe you can go and watch this movie.

But the reason I'm writing this is that lately I'm beginning to think a lot about it. Sometimes I feel so alone and think about it, I imagine myself as the main character, and even go to the point of having some perversive wish to go through the same. There are times when I feel so badly... I wish I could feel better, but there's nothing that helps me.

The good thing is all the things I have to do distract me in some way. I only wish I was doing them… I was able to take too much tasks… Again! But I guess I'll manage to them all, again. I'm succeeding in being the best, but I wish I was the best less, and was at rest more.

I want to die.

Your face is hiding deep inside my mind
Your touch is on my tongue
Your face is the deepest depths of my eyes
The eyes inside my soul
Once I was free, but now I am trapped
Once I was trapped, but now I am free
I taste the tears you bled
I felt the fears you shed
You thought I did not feel
You thought I could not taste
Consumed, escape through dreams
Consumed, trapped by dreams
Consumed, forever it seems
Do you feel the pain that I feel?
The pain that lives inside
Do you wear the chains that I wear
The ones that rub me raw
Every time it is the same three words
Every time the number speaks
And when you see me and you think I am there
You will know that it is just a dream

Dolls is a very nice japanese movie. I feel strange now, sad a bit.

P.S. The translation was funny at times. There were some things that seemed like mistakes to me, and... my favourite part was "はい, はい, はい..." translated as "Здрасти, да, разбирам...".

This movie 0wnZ j00. If you haven't watched it already - do it now. It's amazing. One of the greatest movies I've ever watched.

And by the way, happy birthday Frozen_one!

At last I decided to begin writing in my journal.

I have only few exams left, so I decided it is a good thing to begin using this.